Jennifer Love Hewitt's Catastrophic Announcement...

Jennifer Love Hewitt is engaged.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Gets Engaged

I culled as much information as I quickly could out of the ether. It appears, that yes, finally, the eternally-single Jennifer Love Hewitt is finally deciding to tie the knot with Ross McCall. Yes, you heard me. Ross McCall. That most dutiful of suitors, that quintessential Prince Charming, that face that launched a million male groans of disapproval, is hitching the single-most person in Hollywood. That is not a typo.

I do mean she's the most single. Construed as a serial dater, our friendly neighborhood ghost-whisperer has had upwards of a dozen male suitors throughout her illustriously squeaky-clean career. Her notable beaus include Carson Daly, the late-night talk show host and TRL maven; Rich Cronin, singer in the 90s hit pop trio LFO (Lyte Funky Ones); and of course, who can forget the now über-famous John Mayer.

But, instead, after all, she meets someone on her saccharine soap-opera of a show, and falls head over heels for him. How can a face like that can marry a goddess like her? Will wonders never cease?

So, instead of continuing to fawn over our dear Love, I am now consigned to being "happy" for her. "Happy" that she is accepting a mediocre life and mediocre career with a mediocre man. "Happy" that a relationship in which she has to do no work requires no commitment, save for the formalities presented by marriage. I ask you to tell me what Jennifer Love Hewitt could possibly be thinking in accepting anything less than that of which she is deserving and capable of achieving, all for the sake of a little SECURITY?!? MAY GOD FORBID IT!

Ahem...got a little out-of-hand there.

Anyway, I have said this many times in diverse places that I cannot possibly fathom this relationship. Jennifer Love Hewitt is as much America's sweetheart as Ross's. I suppose that, at the ripe old age of 29, Love is ready to accept a retirement into sweet wedded bliss, the bane of all actresses whose bank accounts depend on the swooning hearts of millions of fanboys. Is Love quite ready to ostracize what might be her most faithful, loyal, and ardent fans? Is the soon-to-be Jennifer Love McCall prepared to alienate her font of fame and fortune? Or is she anticipating not having to be the breadwinner in her family anymore? Does she believe that her accumulated wealth has had no effect? Can she comprehend the ramifications of such a union?

These and many more questions must be asked of Love if she is to testify to the world that she wants to marry this mediocre man. He may be all well and good, but from the perspective of those who love Love, we smell something fishy. And it's not coming from the slicker of any fisherman, no matter what we did last summer.

In the end, I suppose I should perfunctorily congratulate the happy couple. Nice smiles, praise for Love, and a wish that she find happiness in the marriage sanctum. However, I would be lying if I didn't speak for the millions of broken-hearted fanboys around the world such as myself who could see themselves with this woman, the ultimate personification of "The Girl Next Door".

Congratulations, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now we know what you did last summer--you fell in love.